Sunday, June 13, 2010

Dear Spider, sorry you're dead. No...wait, I'm not sorry.

So you know how some people are a magnet for getting hit in the face with a ball whether it's a soccer game, indoor volleyball, basketball, beach volleyball, etc.? (I'm one of those people btw). You'll be at a sporting event and everyone is laughing and having a great time, but there is one person that is dodging balls no matter how far away they are landing. Everyone else takes note and starts laughing at this person. "What is wrong with you? They aren't going to hit you! The ball is WAY over there!"....."No, you don't understand, no matter where I'm at I ALWAYS get hit in the face with a ball."....."Hahaha, oh you, you are just paranoid, that won't happen, don't worry!"....."Ya, you're probably right, I guess I AM just being paranoid, I mean it hasn't happened in a really long ti..."

BAM

"Oh my gosh, are you okay?"....."Yep. I'm fine."

I just realized while typing this that maybe I'm the only person this happens to? All this time I figured there had to be other people out there that this always happens to...but, maybe there aren't? Either way, my point is that I'm a magnet for getting hit in the face at sporting events and one other awful thing that no one should have to experience.

Exhibit A. About 5 or 6 years ago, I was getting home from a bon fire, and went to pull my sweatshirt over my head to change for bed. I'm not sure what made me do it, but I opened my eyes right when the sweatshirt was at the mid-way point of coming off. Basically, the pocket part was in my face. Guess what likes pocket parts of sweatshirts? Oh, just really big, black spiders. One had nestled his way into my sweatshirt pocket and had chosen that exact moment to appear, and then proceeded to crawl down my sweatshirt aka up towards my face. Awesome. I'm trapped inside my sweatshirt with a huge spider. The only escape is to pull my head through, risking getting the spider into my hair, which is basically my worst nightmare. Anyway, somehow I punched myself in the face, screamed, and threw off my sweatshirt all at once. One of my finer moments.

Exhibit B. Three years ago, I was driving home from a friend's house late at night, when I felt a creepy, crawly feeling inside the front of my shirt. Oh great. I refused to open my shirt, look down and risk a bug running up my chest onto my face while I was driving. I'm pretty sure that would have caused an accident. Anyway, my solution: pound my chest repeatedly, really hard, until I didn't feel creepy, crawlies anymore. Then when I got into the safety of my garage, I ripped my shirt off and jumped around like an idiot so I wouldn't have to see the spider carcass on my body. There it was...dead and mangled to pieces on the garage floor.

Exhibit C. Today. 4:30pm. Walking in the door from church and a family gathering. I decide to forget changing my clothes into pajamas and just went directly to my bed. I cuddled up under the comforter and began messing with my phone. Nate came into the room a couple minutes later and lays down next to me. I felt that familiar creepy, crawly thing I'd felt a couple years ago under my knee. Part of me thought, "Oh, I'm sure it's just a hair or something tickling my leg". So I mention the tickly feeling to Nate who then mid-laugh about my paranoia, flings the blanket back. It only took me about a second the register the look on Nate's face. There was a spider on my leg. You would think I would do the logical thing and hold still while he killed it, but I immediately leap out of the bed thrashing my legs and arms and hair around like I'm possessed. Then I think I ran into the other room while ripping my skirt off and shaking my hair all over the place??....oh, and I'm hysterically screaming and crying through all of this. Every couple of seconds I look at Nate to tell me, "Oh it's okay, I see him...he's dead". That didn't happen. About a minute later, I'm still crying hysterically, almost completely undressed and flipping my hair all over the place. Really. I did this. ***Long story short, after about thirty minutes of looking for the spider we found remnants of his little legs all over the bed sheets. RIP Mr. Spider. I'm glad Nate didn't tell me what actually happened until after I calmed down. He said when he lifted the blanket back, he watched a HUGE spider crawl QUICKLY all the way up my leg into my skirt. At which point, I had seen the look on his face and re-enacted my own version of the Exorcist.

Take away message: I guess I make a nice home for spiders. I've always liked to think I was a good hostess, but spiders, you are not welcome here.

***For the record, if we hadn't found his body, I would not be sleeping in that bed tonight. Or ever again. For the sake of my sanity, I'm so glad we found that body.

3 comments:

  1. this made me laugh out loud friend! good stories

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  2. haha. I was definitely one of those kids that always got hurt somehow at school or at birthday parties--always some weird freak accident. So you are not alone. Maybe we shouldn't hang out...the combined magnetic pull we have for random, airborne objects is maybe a bit too dangerous. Remember the pool???? On second thought, I guess you're worth the risk. ;) xoxo

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  3. "Anyway, somehow I punched myself in the face, screamed, and threw off my sweatshirt all at once. One of my finer moments."

    So good.

    I have so many spider stories. I just battled with a massive spider hulking on my doorstep tonight as it rained and thundered and I had groceries in my hands, because no way could I open the door and let it run in LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO.

    He's flattened on the porch now, don't worry. I have another recent story about a spider on my face and a throw-the-car-into-park-jump-out-exorcist-dance, but I'll save that one. Although I guess that's basically the story.

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