Thursday, January 14, 2010

My close call...well, not REALLY

I'm really trying to think hard and understand why I have this very real fear of mine. I am always terrified that someone is just outside my house ready to pounce as I search for my keys to open the door; just around the corner in the dark house ready to bash me over the head; right underneath my car ready to slice my Achille's heel so I'll be unable to escape them; creeping outside my bedroom window at night waiting for me to fall asleep so they can creep in my house and get me, etc., etc., etc. It's ridiculous. It's irrational.

I'm thinking it might have something to do with watching too many episodes of Unsolved Mysteries as a child. I didn't watch TGIF like a normal kid. Well, that's a lie...I watched that too (back when it was good and had Full House, Family Matters and Step by Step...not that weird Teen Angel show or Sabrina the Teenage Witch), but then I'd watch 20/20 right after TGIF and freak myself out right before bedtime. Perfect. This isn't a new fear of mine either. When I was younger and left at home "alone" (there was Tyler, but he was useless considering a murderer would be at least 5'7"? Tyler was maybe 70 pounds and not yet 5 feet tall (How tall is an 11 year old??)). Watch out murderer man. Anyway, I would figure out places in the house that I would hide if an intruder did indeed break in. My first option was my parent's closet, IN THE HAMPER...that was a really bright idea. What the? My other escape route was to jump the fence in our backyard, army roll into the neighbor's yard and call for help. Ya, JUMP the fence. I wouldn't go near that fence any regular day because of my fear of garden lizards (that is a WHOLE other story). I guess I thought my 8 year old adrenaline would kick in and I'd be able to jump that fence with so much stealth agility that the intruder would be unaware of my escape. I think subconsciously I always knew that plan was flawed. I'd have nightmares where the bad guy would meet me on the other side of the fence by the time my slow, clumsy self made it over the top of the fence.

I also had a huge fear of fires. Thanks Rescue 911. That was William Shatner's finest moment in his career, by the way. "All of these stories and more tonight on Rescue...911". I had plans for these fires too. Every night before I'd go to sleep I'd pick two stuffed animals that I'd take with me in case I woke up to a flash fire and I'd have no time to decide which animals to take. Because that would be tragic. Anyway, my plan was to pop out the window in my bedroom, climb out onto the roof and jump (yes, jump) from the second floor down onto the CONCRETE planter and finally to safety. I felt so prepared in my nightgown, with my suitcase and stuffed animals packed every night. Little did I know, that "small" jump to the planter with animals and suitcase in hand would have most likely broken my legs, but at least I'd have my stuffed animals to comfort me in the hospital.

ANYWAY, these stories were leading somewhere. I finally got over my fear of fires. The murderer one is still deeply imbedded, however. Just last night, I locked all the windows and doors at our house, including the door into our bedroom. I always lock that door when Nate is in Denver for work. I guess I figure if someone breaks in and meets with a locked bedroom door they'll give up? Anyway, at exactly midnight I hear this loud beeping/buzzing. It wakes me up and I freak out of course. Even five minutes later when I figure out it's the sound of a bedroom alarm in the other bedroom I'm still freaking out. Are you ready for this logic I somehow worked out in my head? I call Nate and this is our exact conversation.

B: Hey, the alarm clock in the other bedroom is going off, will it turn off by itself eventually?
N: It should, but why can't you just go turn it off?
B: Because, why would it be going off? I didn't set it...WHAT IF SOMEONE BROKE IN AND THEN REALIZING THAT I HAD LOCKED MY BEDROOM DOOR DECIDED TO SET THAT ALARM TO GO OFF IN ORDER TO LURE MY OUT OF THIS ROOM AND AS SOON AS I OPEN THE DOOR THEY ARE GOING TO KILL ME?
N: Um, ok. Well I'm pretty sure you would have heard someone break in, but if it will make you feel better I think it will turn off by itself in like ten minutes. (He loves me. It would have been perfectly fine for him to say "What is wrong with you? Just go turn it off...you are nuts", but he didn't.)
B: Ok, I'll wait it out.

Ten minutes later...I call him back

B: It still didn't turn off. Stay on the phone with me and call the cops if someone kills me.

Really. This happened. I recognize I am ridiculous. This isn't the first time I have done something like this. I do things like this at least five times a year. I think it's better to be paranoid and have that paranoia pay off in a real situation than be cool and get killed right? So what if I carry my keys in between my fingers to stab someone in the eyes if they try to attack my at my car? So what if I have to call someone everytime I'm walking somewhere in the dark? And, so what if I call Nate when I think someone is in our house and is strategically using an alarm clock as a weapon. Ok, that one is just crazy. I need to stop watching murder/mystery shows. Moral of this blog post: Don't let your kids watch Unsolved Mysteries. Ever.